What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 30.06.2025 12:43
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
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I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
I could never make a relationship work though!
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But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
He knew the spot.
She married twice! .
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
I was seconnd youngest,
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I couldn’t, believe it.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
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I did it because my mum asked me too!
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
My family never makes their pension either.
How can you maintain self-control?
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
I have no regrets .
The only rule us 5 kids had .
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
They are buried together, in the same grave..
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
But ive been too sick for many years..
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
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Thats was my nicest nick name for him
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
Do you enjoy cheating on your spouse? If so, why?
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
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I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
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Would this be the day?
Especially a lifetime of it.
As i do to all so called friends.?
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He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
Ive learnt so much.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
What did i know ?
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
I write beautiful poetry .
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
And i lived it daily.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
I was 9 years of age.
Who then, do I blame.?
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
He resisted the act ,that day.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
I was very sick at this time too.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
I will be 64.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
So whats the point in blame.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
It was going to be , some day.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
Im still living with it.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
(And it was in our own minds.)
I said to her
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
I was scared of men, in general
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
When she asked me how she looked .
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
She wouldn,t have been !
All the time i was locked up.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
I don,t even have a pension.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
Comes on , in middle age.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
She found it foreign!.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
This is how, and why children get BPD.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
So, i spoilt her more .
Put me off passion for life!!
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
Why did i forgive my father ?
But it wasn’t much.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
I never cut or harmed myself..
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
I think the readers, may guess!
She loved him until the end.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
This is soul school!.
She was in good health!
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
One cannot live in the past .
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
We all went to grammer schools
My life is so biszare .
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
We were not on the streets..
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
Was to survive, this bastard.
But, we were locked up after school.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
I waited trembling.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)